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The Bystander Effect, in which the likelihood of someone responding to a situation decreases as the number of people witnessing the situation increases.
Business Business & Life Career Career and Business Change Fashion, Career, Business & Life Inspiration Wellness

Will You Standby Or Will You Act? The ByStander Effect

Hello Dear Readers,

 

I hope this finds you well.  It’s been a bit quiet on this front and here’s why.

Recently I was confronted with a very serious ethical matter necessitating that I take action. This action has cost me thousands of dollars in legal fees,  loss of what I thought were authentic colleagues , etc.

What has struck me is people’s reactions and comments to the situation. Those reactions/comments have included everything from:

  • Just ignore it
  • What are you trying to get out of it
  • Run
  • Keep me out of it
  • Not your/my problem
  • Oh well
  • I’m staying for the check
  • Pretend it never happened
  • Just sue , get paid a bunch of money, shut up about it and move on.

As those of you with a conscience might imagine, I’ve been rather shocked by the above reactions. Like you, I’m not wired that way.

Curious as to the above cowardice, I did  a little digging and uncovered a rather disturbing phenomena called,

“THE BYSTANDER EFFECT”

The Bystander Effect is explained well here by Dr. Lenhert :

In social psychology there is a concept called the Bystander Effect, in which the likelihood of someone responding to a situation decreases as the number of people witnessing the situation increases.

This diffusion of responsibility that happens when more than one person witnesses the same injustice on the one hand is somewhat understandable (people seem to think someone else will deal with the problem, or if others are not reacting they shouldn’t either) but at the same time baffling and disturbing.  It seems counterintuitive to think the more people are available to help another human being when they need it, the less likely that person is to actually be helped.

Rather disturbing right?  But think about it. We see this bystander effect often in sexual harassment cases, college sexual assault investigations, politics and countless other situations.

How sad it is that others avoid personal responsibility and look to others to right a wrong. Where is the sense of personal and societal responsibility? How does one live with oneself? Is a title/paycheck really worth one’s integrity or reputation?

So inspired in large part by my lunch with Gretchen Carlson (formerly of Fox News), I’ve decided to do something brave, true and hard. It’s not popular and several others (with the exception of one)  have chosen to turn the other way and predictably, shoot the messenger.   I’m actually quite sad for them as I don’t believe this will end well for any of them.

But you know what?  I am “putting my right shoes on” and pressing on.  I’m not going to be bullied out of  doing the right thing.  Doing the right thing is more important than money to me.  I’ve chosen not to stand by and let others be duped, careers and  reputations be destroyed or worse.  I will speak the truth.  My silence can’t be bought.  (Surprising coming out of a lawyer -eh?)  Stay tuned.

As I watch the marches and the protests across our great nation, I am encouraged that others are getting “their right shoes on” and are no longer willing to be bystanders either.

Will you stand up for what is right and true in your profession and/or life or will you be a “bystander” too?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

The Year of the Purge - Part 2: Let me be clear: I am only purging those who have behaved in such dysfunctional/non-productive ways and have made no attempt to clear the air or apologize. And mostly, I am purging "stuff" that no longer serves me.
Clothes Inspiration Spirituality Stress Wellness

2017: Year Of The Purge: Part 2

Hello! Wow, did last week’s  blog post on 2017 purging ever strike a chord. It seems  that I am not the only one that needs to purge things and people from my life!

Interestingly, I received all sorts of emails from folks asking me not to purge them. Oh sheesh, no worries there!

Let me be clear: I am only purging those who have behaved in such dysfunctional/non-productive ways and have made no attempt to clear the air or apologize. And mostly, I am purging “stuff” that no longer serves me.

I also received many more emails and messages and folks who were of the same mindset. Maybe this nasty election did us all in. The acrimony was beyond!

In any event, one of the questions that I’ve repeatedly gotten  from readers is this:

How do you get rid of stuff so easily?”

Well for one I’ve moved alot which makes it easy. But mostly I adopt the following question:

“Do I really,  really love it?”

If the answer is no, it’s donated, consigned to my favorite consignment store, To Be Continued, or give it to someone I love.

I ignore the silly “rules” about whether I’ve worn it or not in the last year. I have things in my closet that I haven’t worn in over a year but because I love them so much, know that I will wear them again.

So I’m curious, what works for you when you need to purge stuff?

With love,

Patty Comeford Adams, JD

 

Have you been making assumptions without facts? Here's why that spells trouble.
Forgiveness Inspiration Kindness Life relationships Self Help Wellness

Making Assumptions Without Facts? Think Again.

Assumptions are very dangerous things, especially in our personal lives. Assumptions get people in trouble daily and when combined with misinformation,  are frankly downright disrespectful. They manifest as accusations, unkind words and often gossip.

Think I am alone in that belief? Not so much. author don Miguel Ruiz, in his well-regarded best seller puts it this way:

“If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don’t tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don’t understand we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.”
― Miguel RuizThe Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

And this:

The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth! We invent a whole story that’s only truth for us, but we believe it. One assumption leads to another assumption; we jump to conclusions, and we take our story very personally. Then we blame others and react by sending emotional poison with our word. (Emphasis added).

That said, I recognize everyone has a bad day, a bad week and forgiveness is often in order. But perhaps the next time you are tempted to make assumptions, you might want to communicate, ask questions if appropriate, apologize and promise to do better the next time.

ps…This post in no way was inspired by family members near or far. xo

With love,

Patty Comeford Adams

CEO, YOURENEVERSTUCK.COM

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