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Why Can’t You Apologize? A Book Review, Part 1

Dear Readers,

I have been reading the most amazing new book by esteemed author Harriet Lerner (who wrote  amidst others,  best sellers The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Intimacy) entitled ,

Why Won’t You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Every Day Hurts. 

Can I just say the book was everything I hoped for and also way more?

As one might expect the book walks the reader through what is a true vs psuedo (i.e. in current pop cultue the “fake apology”), all the ways we humans frequently ruin an apology, relationship -busting apologies, etc  and much, much more.

There were three important things that I learned in this book. The first of which I will share today: I needed to lovingly apologize to someone important to me.

On some level, I probably bought the book thinking it would validate my thinking:  how that person owed me an apology and how they screwed up a conversation.  Instead what happened was this: I realized how wrong and inconsiderate I had been, how I owed that person an apology and how I screwed our conversation up. Not one of the lessons of what I was expecting but that’s in part why I loved the book so much. It lovingly and respectfully changed my thinking.  Talk about the proverbial “aha moment”, making it well worth the purchase.

So with the wise counsel of the book and with great care, I  unequivocally apologized. No excuses. No “I am sorry that you feel that way” nonsense. No, “I am sorry ; it happened because I was doing/thinking/believing this nonsense. Just a heartfelt unequivocal apology. I have no idea how that will all shake out and I won’t pressure this person to forgive me but darn if it doesn’t feel like a big personal growth spurt at the age of 57.

Further it’s a great reminder that if we continue to work on our scars, bumps and lumps, we are never stuck.

With Love,

Patty

Ps. This is not a sponsored post. Should you be interested, you can find the book on Amazon here https://www.amazon.com/Why-Wont-You-Apologize-Betrayals-ebook/dp/B01CO349DY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1491302717&sr=8-1&keywords=why+can%27t+you+apologize:

 

Have you been making assumptions without facts? Here's why that spells trouble.
Forgiveness Inspiration Kindness Life relationships Self Help Wellness

Making Assumptions Without Facts? Think Again.

Assumptions are very dangerous things, especially in our personal lives. Assumptions get people in trouble daily and when combined with misinformation,  are frankly downright disrespectful. They manifest as accusations, unkind words and often gossip.

Think I am alone in that belief? Not so much. author don Miguel Ruiz, in his well-regarded best seller puts it this way:

“If others tell us something we make assumptions, and if they don’t tell us something we make assumptions to fulfill our need to know and to replace the need to communicate. Even if we hear something and we don’t understand we make assumptions about what it means and then believe the assumptions. We make all sorts of assumptions because we don’t have the courage to ask questions.”
― Miguel RuizThe Four Agreements: A Practical Guide to Personal Freedom

And this:

The problem with making assumptions is that we believe they are the truth! We invent a whole story that’s only truth for us, but we believe it. One assumption leads to another assumption; we jump to conclusions, and we take our story very personally. Then we blame others and react by sending emotional poison with our word. (Emphasis added).

That said, I recognize everyone has a bad day, a bad week and forgiveness is often in order. But perhaps the next time you are tempted to make assumptions, you might want to communicate, ask questions if appropriate, apologize and promise to do better the next time.

ps…This post in no way was inspired by family members near or far. xo

With love,

Patty Comeford Adams

CEO, YOURENEVERSTUCK.COM

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