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Business & Life Change Fashion, Career, Business & Life Forgiveness Inspiration

Why Can’t You Apologize? A Book Review, Part 1

Dear Readers,

I have been reading the most amazing new book by esteemed author Harriet Lerner (who wrote  amidst others,  best sellers The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Intimacy) entitled ,

Why Won’t You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Every Day Hurts. 

Can I just say the book was everything I hoped for and also way more?

As one might expect the book walks the reader through what is a true vs psuedo (i.e. in current pop cultue the “fake apology”), all the ways we humans frequently ruin an apology, relationship -busting apologies, etc  and much, much more.

There were three important things that I learned in this book. The first of which I will share today: I needed to lovingly apologize to someone important to me.

On some level, I probably bought the book thinking it would validate my thinking:  how that person owed me an apology and how they screwed up a conversation.  Instead what happened was this: I realized how wrong and inconsiderate I had been, how I owed that person an apology and how I screwed our conversation up. Not one of the lessons of what I was expecting but that’s in part why I loved the book so much. It lovingly and respectfully changed my thinking.  Talk about the proverbial “aha moment”, making it well worth the purchase.

So with the wise counsel of the book and with great care, I  unequivocally apologized. No excuses. No “I am sorry that you feel that way” nonsense. No, “I am sorry ; it happened because I was doing/thinking/believing this nonsense. Just a heartfelt unequivocal apology. I have no idea how that will all shake out and I won’t pressure this person to forgive me but darn if it doesn’t feel like a big personal growth spurt at the age of 57.

Further it’s a great reminder that if we continue to work on our scars, bumps and lumps, we are never stuck.

With Love,

Patty

Ps. This is not a sponsored post. Should you be interested, you can find the book on Amazon here https://www.amazon.com/Why-Wont-You-Apologize-Betrayals-ebook/dp/B01CO349DY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1491302717&sr=8-1&keywords=why+can%27t+you+apologize:

 

Fashion, Career, Business & Life

Happy International Woman’s Day

Happy International Woman’s Day!

Today’s a day filled with protests, shopping boycotts and the like. I get it. These are strange times and in some ways things seem to be returning to dark ages. Sheesh, all I can think of is, how did we get here?

As I’m working hard not to be discouraged by the constant acrimony that is out there,  today I’m celebrating International Woman’s Day in the following way:

  • being mindful of the many wonderful women and grandchildren of all ages  who have graced my life;
  • being mindful of how lucky I am to have these amazing woman in my life; and
  • telling these beautiful women how lucky I am to have them surround me in good times and in bad and making sure they know that I am always there for them;
  • being mindful that, as the Sioux Indians remind us life is both giving and receiving.

The picture here (an oldie) is one of my amazing step-mom who even after my Dad’s death remains an incredibly important woman in my life. She has been there for me through thick and thin and do I ever feel blessed.

I wish you a heart-filled day celebrating all the wonderful women in your life.

Much love,

Patty

 

 

The Bystander Effect, in which the likelihood of someone responding to a situation decreases as the number of people witnessing the situation increases.
Business Business & Life Career Career and Business Change Fashion, Career, Business & Life Inspiration Wellness

Will You Standby Or Will You Act? The ByStander Effect

Hello Dear Readers,

 

I hope this finds you well.  It’s been a bit quiet on this front and here’s why.

Recently I was confronted with a very serious ethical matter necessitating that I take action. This action has cost me thousands of dollars in legal fees,  loss of what I thought were authentic colleagues , etc.

What has struck me is people’s reactions and comments to the situation. Those reactions/comments have included everything from:

  • Just ignore it
  • What are you trying to get out of it
  • Run
  • Keep me out of it
  • Not your/my problem
  • Oh well
  • I’m staying for the check
  • Pretend it never happened
  • Just sue , get paid a bunch of money, shut up about it and move on.

As those of you with a conscience might imagine, I’ve been rather shocked by the above reactions. Like you, I’m not wired that way.

Curious as to the above cowardice, I did  a little digging and uncovered a rather disturbing phenomena called,

“THE BYSTANDER EFFECT”

The Bystander Effect is explained well here by Dr. Lenhert :

In social psychology there is a concept called the Bystander Effect, in which the likelihood of someone responding to a situation decreases as the number of people witnessing the situation increases.

This diffusion of responsibility that happens when more than one person witnesses the same injustice on the one hand is somewhat understandable (people seem to think someone else will deal with the problem, or if others are not reacting they shouldn’t either) but at the same time baffling and disturbing.  It seems counterintuitive to think the more people are available to help another human being when they need it, the less likely that person is to actually be helped.

Rather disturbing right?  But think about it. We see this bystander effect often in sexual harassment cases, college sexual assault investigations, politics and countless other situations.

How sad it is that others avoid personal responsibility and look to others to right a wrong. Where is the sense of personal and societal responsibility? How does one live with oneself? Is a title/paycheck really worth one’s integrity or reputation?

So inspired in large part by my lunch with Gretchen Carlson (formerly of Fox News), I’ve decided to do something brave, true and hard. It’s not popular and several others (with the exception of one)  have chosen to turn the other way and predictably, shoot the messenger.   I’m actually quite sad for them as I don’t believe this will end well for any of them.

But you know what?  I am “putting my right shoes on” and pressing on.  I’m not going to be bullied out of  doing the right thing.  Doing the right thing is more important than money to me.  I’ve chosen not to stand by and let others be duped, careers and  reputations be destroyed or worse.  I will speak the truth.  My silence can’t be bought.  (Surprising coming out of a lawyer -eh?)  Stay tuned.

As I watch the marches and the protests across our great nation, I am encouraged that others are getting “their right shoes on” and are no longer willing to be bystanders either.

Will you stand up for what is right and true in your profession and/or life or will you be a “bystander” too?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

You're in a rut, stuck, feeling discouraged. Like you've lost your power. We've all been there, right? When you're in this place, what do you do?
Business Career Career/Job Related Blogs Change Fashion, Career, Business & Life Inspiration Inspirational Themed Blogs Jobs Life Networking Personal Growth Recruiter Relationship Related Blogs

5 Steps To Taking Your Power Back

You’re in a rut, stuck, feeling discouraged. Maybe even numb or fearful. We’ve all been there, right? I know I have. Last spring I had the worst writer’s block and couldn’t find my way out.  It was awful!

When you’re in this place, what do you do?

Plain and simple-you’ve got to take your power back. Whatever’s haunting you, scaring you, keeping you stuck… you’ve got to face it head and grab your power.  But exactly how do you do that?

FIVE STEPS TO TAKING YOUR POWER BACK

 

  1. Make A Decision: Sounds cheeky, right? Well, hang on and don’t skip this part. Remember that the situation remains in your life  until you decide to make a difference. That’s the thing that most people miss. The real power is in the decision folks. Sure, what you decide is important in the long run but it’s the decision itself that gets you unstuck.
  2. Put your Support Team in Place: Yes, yes, yes, this sounds all touchy-feely but take me at my word and just do it. Whether you call it your “squad”,  advisory board, circle of mentors, lawyers or your book club, make them aware of your decision and ask them to hold you accountable to that decision. Life inevitably throws us curves; our responsibility is to plan in advance for them and a support team helps us do them.
  3. Write your ideal scenario:  Often times when we feel stuck in our job, circumstance,  relationship, we can’t see the forest through the trees. When this happens to me, I feel like I’m in quick-sand and every step is a total slog. I’ve found the best way out of that gunk is to write my perfect scenario of the situation.
  4. Ask yourself the following:

How do I want it to look?

 What are the baby steps I might need to take in the future to get there?

 How do I want to feel in this scenario?

(For me, this last question is the most important.)

You will find that for the above to work authentically, you must give these questions rigorous thought and real work. Go deep and then write it down.

    4.  Find The Authentic Thought Leaders: Once you’ve written your ideal scenario, then it’s time to look outside of yourself. Who are the thought leaders on this issue? Who’s doing it differently, how are they doing it and why? Do they act out of integrity or are they a fraud? How can you work their ideas into your ideal scenario? Some of my thought leaders I turn to are:

Elon Musk: Innovator of all Innovators

Founder of Medtronic, Philanthropist, Authentic Leader: Bill George

Gretchen Carlson

Sarah Young: Author & Inspirational Writer

5. Harness The Power of LinkedIn: People ask me all the time, what’s the best online venue to network or get new ideas. Yes, I’m a Twitter junkie for news but LinkedIn is my go to. Despite its lousy customer service, LinkedIn’s power and reach never fail me. Take a class and learn how to really use it to your advantage.

As so many of us struggle with this, I’ll be writing more on this topic in the future.

So I ask you, what do you do to take your power back? What’s worked and what hasn’t? Let’s help each other, shall we?

xo,

Patty

Fashion, Career, Business & Life

Learnings on Grief

Hello Readers! I’m so sorry it’s been so darn long. Life is never a dull moment around here~a good thing!   Lots and lots of change and blessings in my life (all of it exciting which I will share in a new post shortly) but today, I wanted to share some of my own learnings on grief.

As many of you know our family has sustained some significant lossesl and thus significant grief, over the last 5+ years. My (now) husband lost his amazing wife of 42 years in a car crash and he almost didn’t survive himself. We lost our “remarkable-in every -way” 43 year old  daughter-in-law to metastatic breast cancer and  our 45 year old former son-in-law out of the blue.  We lost our  28 year-old nephew to diabetes and we lost our over-photographed rescue dog, #theColonel, totally unexpectedly. We’ve watched our children and grandchildren loose pets and dreams. Grief has been handed to all of us here in the Adams family in over abundance.

Here’s where I found myself: I was  a new wife ( now a wife of  a whole 3 years) , a new “step-mom” (my husband’s 6 children are in their 20’s, 30’s and 40’s so it’s more about being Dad’s wife) to children suffering grief, a new grandmother to 13 beautiful grandchildren (Did I mention that they call me PattyCakes?) and bam!, the above happened. Needless to say,  I was woefully ill- prepared.

So today I share some of my learnings and my mis-steps here with you. If they resonate great and if not, as usual go on and toss them

1. Some families/children handle grief privately not on social media. They may want and need privacy, not Facebook posts. I’ve been guilty of this one myself, have rethought that and changed my Facebook ways. Think about it, if you lost a parent/spouse would you want to be unexpectedly jolted by a Facebook post? I’m not in anyway saying not to share memories , pay tributes on birthdays, etc. That’s totally appropriate and appreciated. But before posting, think and be wise.

Learning:  Put yourself in their shoes and be empathetic. 

      2.  Most children don’t want to be called their “father or mother’s daughter”.  They want to be and are their own person. They may be even hurt by such well-meaning but unhelpful comments. This doesn’t mean that they don’t love their Dad and Mom.  They merely want to be recognized as their own person. Totally understandable, right?

Learning: Choose your well-intended words wisely.

      3.  Each person/child grieves differently based on their relationship with their parent/sibling/spouse. Assumptions should not be made. That doesn’t mean that they don’t love the heck of out their Dad, Mom, sibling or former spouse.

Learning: Give everyone some breathing room.

        4.  Not everyone wants to talk about it. If they don’t, don’t take offense. It typically means that their grief may have subsided and/or they prefer to talk to their friends or counsellors.  When they do talk, I can assure that  it will break your heart into a million pieces. It will also warm your heart and you will be bursting with pride. You will know that their Dad/Mom wherever they are, are immensely proud of them at that very moment.

Learning: Let them come to you.

5.  I’m Christian and one of the things that drives me crazy is when faith-based folks of any kind tell kids “It happened for a reason”. I know you mean well.  Please don’t do that to grieving children or adults. It’s insensitive and gives Christianity and other faiths a bad name.

And atheists/agnostics/whatever, you are in the hot-seat here too!   Just because a sibling/parent was an agnostic or whatever, don’t you assume/profess that to children either. It’s equally as bad! Again, let them be their own person.

Learning: Don’t foist your faith or non-faith beliefs on grieving children.

I know you’ve sustained many great losses yourself. My heart goes out to you. I’m curious what learnings you’ve learned around loss and particularly watching children grieve. I hope you’ll share with our readers below so that we all may continue to learn and grow.

With Love,

Patty

Ps. When I post topics on family, my husband always reads them before-hand. I want to get the tone and content right. This is another way I try to foster empathy 🙂

Win this Harry Winston Scarf!
Fashion, Career, Business & Life

Giveaway! Enter to WIN This Gorgeous Harry Winston Scarf!

A giveaway is probably my favorite posts to write! And guess what?

It’s GIVEAWAY Time again folks!

Shown in all it’s glory here, this scarf is just to die for!  Thanks to our brand partner TBC Consignment, this gorgeous scarf could be yours! 

I’ve always been a huge consignment shopper but I have never ever been in such a well appointed consignment store until I walked into TBC. Seriously, you’d think you were in a Prada boutique itself!  In fact, I love them so much I became one of their brand ambassadors!  The owners and the team are simply lovely and will find you anything your heart desires. You can find them in  Scottsdale and Dallas but not to worry–they have an equally fabulous online presence. Think: Hermes, (Birkins and Kelly bags!), Chanel, Bottega, Jimmy Choo, Dior, Prada and more!

Ellie's Potato Soup
Fashion, Career, Business & Life Inspiration

Potato Soup for Ellie

Ellie’s potato soup was a huge hit when I shared it on Instagram that I have decided to go ahead and, out of character, I’m sharing the recipe – a very important recipe!  You see, on Christmas Eve day my husband and I were lucky enough to have lunch on top of  Jackson Hole Mountain  (our home away from home) at the amazing Couloir Restaurant with two of our 13 grandkids, Ben and Ellie.  Snuggler-in-chief granddaughter Ellie (who has her own cupcake business) was super smart ordered the potato soup.  After seeing and tasting it we were all so jealous. Both Ellie and I have been texting about it every since.

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