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Why Can’t You Apologize: Book Review, Part 2

Hello Lovelies,

Yesterday’s blog post got quite a reaction from folks. Thank you all for  your lovely emails and notes. Yes I apologized to my acquaintance,  yes it was accepted and in time  healing (whatever that looks like) will emerge. For me the beauty of the apology was that it freed me to see things very differently and let go. I’m calling it a success!

Today as promised, I want to share another piece of  Harriet Lerner’s book, Why Can’t You Apologize? that struck a cord with me.  That piece surrounds that crazy feeling we as men and women have when someone just won’t apologize no matter what. It’s almost as if it is in their DNA and it can drive one crazy.

This is where Lerner’s wise counsel shines through. She reminds us:

“People’s sense of self-worth is pivotal to their ability to look clearly at the hurt they’ve caused. The more solid one’s sense of self-regard, the more likely that that person can feel empathy and compassion for the hurt party, and apologize from an authentic center”.

And this:

“No individual will feel accountable and genuinely remorseful-no matter how well you communicate-if doing so threatens to define him or her in an unacceptable or intolerable way. The other person’s willingness to own  up to harmful deeds has nothing to do with how much she or he does or doesn’t love you.”

Lerner goes onto remind us that the capacity to take responsibility, feel empathy and remorse , and offer a meaningful apology is related to how much self-love and self-respect that particular person has available. And we can’t give it to another person; they can only claim that themselves.

Powerful, right? It’s so easy to take it on, second guess ourselves,  and think it’s all about us. It’s so easy to beat ourselves and the other person up. But instead, it’s a lot more helpful to remember that it’s really about a person’s own self-love and self-respect. If on some level a person can’t apologize for their actions,  Lerner reminds us that it may be their shame taking over as a coping mechanism.

So what are your thoughts? I’d love to hear.

Business & Life Change Fashion, Career, Business & Life Forgiveness Inspiration

Why Can’t You Apologize? A Book Review, Part 1

Dear Readers,

I have been reading the most amazing new book by esteemed author Harriet Lerner (who wrote  amidst others,  best sellers The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Intimacy) entitled ,

Why Won’t You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Every Day Hurts. 

Can I just say the book was everything I hoped for and also way more?

As one might expect the book walks the reader through what is a true vs psuedo (i.e. in current pop cultue the “fake apology”), all the ways we humans frequently ruin an apology, relationship -busting apologies, etc  and much, much more.

There were three important things that I learned in this book. The first of which I will share today: I needed to lovingly apologize to someone important to me.

On some level, I probably bought the book thinking it would validate my thinking:  how that person owed me an apology and how they screwed up a conversation.  Instead what happened was this: I realized how wrong and inconsiderate I had been, how I owed that person an apology and how I screwed our conversation up. Not one of the lessons of what I was expecting but that’s in part why I loved the book so much. It lovingly and respectfully changed my thinking.  Talk about the proverbial “aha moment”, making it well worth the purchase.

So with the wise counsel of the book and with great care, I  unequivocally apologized. No excuses. No “I am sorry that you feel that way” nonsense. No, “I am sorry ; it happened because I was doing/thinking/believing this nonsense. Just a heartfelt unequivocal apology. I have no idea how that will all shake out and I won’t pressure this person to forgive me but darn if it doesn’t feel like a big personal growth spurt at the age of 57.

Further it’s a great reminder that if we continue to work on our scars, bumps and lumps, we are never stuck.

With Love,

Patty

Ps. This is not a sponsored post. Should you be interested, you can find the book on Amazon here https://www.amazon.com/Why-Wont-You-Apologize-Betrayals-ebook/dp/B01CO349DY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1491302717&sr=8-1&keywords=why+can%27t+you+apologize:

 

The Bystander Effect, in which the likelihood of someone responding to a situation decreases as the number of people witnessing the situation increases.
Business Business & Life Career Career and Business Change Fashion, Career, Business & Life Inspiration Wellness

Will You Standby Or Will You Act? The ByStander Effect

Hello Dear Readers,

 

I hope this finds you well.  It’s been a bit quiet on this front and here’s why.

Recently I was confronted with a very serious ethical matter necessitating that I take action. This action has cost me thousands of dollars in legal fees,  loss of what I thought were authentic colleagues , etc.

What has struck me is people’s reactions and comments to the situation. Those reactions/comments have included everything from:

  • Just ignore it
  • What are you trying to get out of it
  • Run
  • Keep me out of it
  • Not your/my problem
  • Oh well
  • I’m staying for the check
  • Pretend it never happened
  • Just sue , get paid a bunch of money, shut up about it and move on.

As those of you with a conscience might imagine, I’ve been rather shocked by the above reactions. Like you, I’m not wired that way.

Curious as to the above cowardice, I did  a little digging and uncovered a rather disturbing phenomena called,

“THE BYSTANDER EFFECT”

The Bystander Effect is explained well here by Dr. Lenhert :

In social psychology there is a concept called the Bystander Effect, in which the likelihood of someone responding to a situation decreases as the number of people witnessing the situation increases.

This diffusion of responsibility that happens when more than one person witnesses the same injustice on the one hand is somewhat understandable (people seem to think someone else will deal with the problem, or if others are not reacting they shouldn’t either) but at the same time baffling and disturbing.  It seems counterintuitive to think the more people are available to help another human being when they need it, the less likely that person is to actually be helped.

Rather disturbing right?  But think about it. We see this bystander effect often in sexual harassment cases, college sexual assault investigations, politics and countless other situations.

How sad it is that others avoid personal responsibility and look to others to right a wrong. Where is the sense of personal and societal responsibility? How does one live with oneself? Is a title/paycheck really worth one’s integrity or reputation?

So inspired in large part by my lunch with Gretchen Carlson (formerly of Fox News), I’ve decided to do something brave, true and hard. It’s not popular and several others (with the exception of one)  have chosen to turn the other way and predictably, shoot the messenger.   I’m actually quite sad for them as I don’t believe this will end well for any of them.

But you know what?  I am “putting my right shoes on” and pressing on.  I’m not going to be bullied out of  doing the right thing.  Doing the right thing is more important than money to me.  I’ve chosen not to stand by and let others be duped, careers and  reputations be destroyed or worse.  I will speak the truth.  My silence can’t be bought.  (Surprising coming out of a lawyer -eh?)  Stay tuned.

As I watch the marches and the protests across our great nation, I am encouraged that others are getting “their right shoes on” and are no longer willing to be bystanders either.

Will you stand up for what is right and true in your profession and/or life or will you be a “bystander” too?  I’d love to hear your thoughts.

My meeting with Gretchen Carlson - You're Never Stuck
Business & Life

The Most Interesting Lunch of My Career

Hello Lovelies~

Happy New Year to you and your loved ones! 

I hope your holidays were as fabulous as you are and most importantly you were able to grab some quiet time for reflection and “white space”.

Mine was a hectic one with an unexpected move (a flood), business travel,   great family time and all sorts of other wonderful chaos but guess what? As always, the good Lord helped me through it all and had my back big time.

Nonetheless 2016 went out with a bang. I attribute that to the most interesting business lunch of my entire professional life.

WHO IT  WAS WITH:

I had lunch with Gretchen Carlson. Yes, you read that right. As part of a recruiting initiative, I flew to New York and had lunch with Gretchen Carlson, the uber talented, former Fox News Anchor who stood up to  the infamous Roger Ailes and entire the Fox News machine.

If you follow me on Twitter @Instagram @youreneverstuck, you probably saw many of my followers asking how we met.

HOW WE MET:

Gretchen and I, both former Minnesotans and fellow authors began a relationship on  Twitter about eight months ago. Like most relationships, it grew from there. So on a freezing cold New York day, I flew to New York and we met “in real life” (IRL) for lunch.

Gretchen was humble and gracious without a bitter bone in her body.  She is role model, shining light for our daughters, granddaughters, nieces and women everywhere.

My meeting with Gretchen Carlson - You're Never Stuck
CLICK TO FOLLOW GRETCHEN ON TWITTER

 

Please join me in following her on Twitter @GretchenCarlson, watching her return to the airwaves The Today Show at NBC, and reading her soon to be published book. 

Business & Life Fashion and Style

Patricia Green Shoes – Comfort Chic Style

It’s Woman Crush Wednesday (#WCW) and I’m so excited to introduce you to one of my favorite entrepreneurs, Patricia Green (www.patriciagreen.com) and her amazing comfort chic shoe collection. I had the pleasure of meeting Patricia in person last week. She’s one of those people that exudes possibility and that makes sense because she is the quintessential entrepreneur! She’s kind, savvy and is dedicated to staying true to her brand-comfort chic.

As any entrepreneur knows, staying true to one’s brand is no easy feat; there are lots of pressures to veer off. So when I see an entrepreneur like Patricia, know what she does well and stick to it, I’m more than impressed.  Readers of youreneverstuck know I firmly believe that you don’t have to give up style to be comfortable.  In my view, shoes that fold up lack style and originality and shoes that hurt your feet don’t exude style. It doesn’t have to be that way.  So read on to read about this amazing woman’s career and her amazing vision!

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