I have been reading the most amazing new book by esteemed author Harriet Lerner (who wrote amidst others, best sellers The Dance of Anger, The Dance of Intimacy) entitled ,
Why Won’t You Apologize: Healing Big Betrayals and Every Day Hurts.
Can I just say the book was everything I hoped for and also way more?
As one might expect the book walks the reader through what is a true vs psuedo (i.e. in current pop cultue the “fake apology”), all the ways we humans frequently ruin an apology, relationship -busting apologies, etc and much, much more.
There were three important things that I learned in this book. The first of which I will share today: I needed to lovingly apologize to someone important to me.
On some level, I probably bought the book thinking it would validate my thinking: how that person owed me an apology and how they screwed up a conversation. Instead what happened was this: I realized how wrong and inconsiderate I had been, how I owed that person an apology and how I screwed our conversation up. Not one of the lessons of what I was expecting but that’s in part why I loved the book so much. It lovingly and respectfully changed my thinking. Talk about the proverbial “aha moment”, making it well worth the purchase.
So with the wise counsel of the book and with great care, I unequivocally apologized. No excuses. No “I am sorry that you feel that way” nonsense. No, “I am sorry ; it happened because I was doing/thinking/believing this nonsense. Just a heartfelt unequivocal apology. I have no idea how that will all shake out and I won’t pressure this person to forgive me but darn if it doesn’t feel like a big personal growth spurt at the age of 57.
Further it’s a great reminder that if we continue to work on our scars, bumps and lumps, we are never stuck.
Ps. This is not a sponsored post. Should you be interested, you can find the book on Amazon here https://www.amazon.com/Why-Wont-You-Apologize-Betrayals-ebook/dp/B01CO349DY/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1491302717&sr=8-1&keywords=why+can%27t+you+apologize: